How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
