ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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