That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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