I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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