I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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