her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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