My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
