Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
