At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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