my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
