She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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