I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
