I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
