dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
