i was born a porn star she said
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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