i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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