he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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