Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
