Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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