I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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