You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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