we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
