You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
