next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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