You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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