she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
i think i just lost a toe
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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