Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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