1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
