Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
