Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
