I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
