first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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