So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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