Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
