Jerry, you need to find god
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
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When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
You came to the right person.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome