She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.