When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
