Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
