bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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