Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
