When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
it glows. i had to have it.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
