It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
