I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
