how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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