Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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