Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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