You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
