Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
My dick has a subreddit
It was a blind-side dick pic.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
