omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
