i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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