$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
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