My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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