Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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