My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
