So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
